THE LEORA LETTER
January 18, 2024
I research and write about slut-shaming to raise awareness about the harm it causes. When people are dismissed as sluts, hoes, and thots, they are denied care and compassion as human beings and in a variety of situations, including when they are sexually harassed, sexually assaulted, victimized by image-based sexual abuse ("revenge porn"), and need an abortion.
You see someone who presents as a woman and you wish to pay her a compliment about their appearance. Should you?
The answer is: sometimes.
I recently advised air travelers to never comment on the appearance of cabin crew—and went a step further, adding that one should never comment on the appearance of a stranger, period. (I was discussing on Instagram a British Airways uniform that unintentionally included a see-through blouse.)
Some commenters called me to task for closing off the opportunity to compliment a woman, or one who presents as a woman, on their appearance. Many people suggested that feminists like me obliterate the joy of daily life, which should include complimenting random women, and that feminists like me don't know how to accept a good-faith compliment without transforming it into something ugly. But others genuinely were confused. They want to give compliments once in a while; is that really a bad thing?
I should not have advised "never." That was a mistake. The true answer is complicated.
Let me be clear. When a human being experiences the impulse to compliment a stranger over their appearance, it can be a beautiful and glorious moment. The recipient may feel validated, and the giver may become energized. A new human connection may be created.
Yet the interaction can also go terribly wrong. What the giver may perceive as a compliment can be interpreted by the recipient as creepy, or worse—especially if the comment addresses the recipient's body or sexuality. The recipient may experience the comment as rude or as an act of slut-shaming or harassment.
I decided to evaluate commonly uttered compliments—"You're a sight for sore eyes"; "You look sexy in that outfit"—to help people determine if they likely will be received as compliments, or not. I created a one-page decoder, Compliment or Creepy Comment?, and am offering it for sale at $2.99. This decoder contains six statements with my analysis of whether they are safe to use as compliments or risky and could lead to discomfort.
When I began this newsletter in 2021, I committed to providing my research on slut-shaming, along with my evidence-based advice on how to minimize or eliminate slut-shaming, without cost. And I will continue to do so. Compliment or Creepy Comment? is the first product I am offering for sale, aside from my books. If you choose to purchase it, please tell me what you think. I take your suggestions seriously. And if there are other statements not included that you would like me to decode in a sequel knowledge product, please let me know that as well.
