THE LEORA LETTER

“Slut,” “hoe,” and “thot” are slippery and subjective terms that can apply to any girl or woman, regardless of how they dress or behave. I shed light on slut-shaming—how and why assumptions about being “too” sexual are applied, the consequences for women, and the impact on everyone, regardless of gender.

Q&A with Author Caralena Peterson

Slut-shaming is not about being too sexual, as my research demonstrates. A person may be singled out solely because she appears to exert effort to attract attention to herself.

So if you’re trying to avoid being slut-shamed, is your best strategy to make your accomplishments seem effortless?

Um, no. That path does not work for women, either.

Caralena Peterson, author of a fascinating book, The Effortless Perfection Myth (coming out in September), spoke with me about the pitfalls of exercising effort, particularly among women college students. Peterson is a graduate of Duke University, where the phrase “effortlessly perfect” was coined in an influential 2003 report on the pressures faced by Duke women. Nearly two decades later, Peterson demonstrates, women on college campuses continue to experience the pressure to be effortlessly perfect, leading to hot-button gender issues of self-esteem, assertiveness, body image, hookup culture, mental health, and identity. 



I asked Peterson how the pressure to appear effortlessly perfect intersects with slut-shaming and how it can quash sexual agency.

Leora Tanenbaum: What is “effortless perfection”?

Caralena Peterson: “Effortless perfection” is all about coming across as smart, beautiful, accomplished, popular, etc., without it seeming like you put in any effort. As one of my interviewees put it: “It’s the intense pressure to get good grades, be a good person, a good student, good daughter, good friend, be beautiful, and have it seem like that’s all just flowing out of you as who you are and not something you constantly have to think about and live up to.” 

Tanenbaum: Why is demonstrating effort a problem for women?

Peterson: Demonstrating effort has become taboo in the hookup world. The mindset is: I shouldn’t have to put in effort or show interest to get a guy or a girl to notice me. They should just flock to me. So effort gets equated with sluttiness because it is you admitting you want that attention, and wanting that attention makes you somehow “desperate” or “easy.”

Many women have told me they feel pressured to play the part of the “chill girl” in their social circles and dating scene—to appear as though they have mastered effortlessness by always appearing a perfect mix of amiable, unbothered, and down for whatever.

Under this paradigm, a heterosexual girl is allowed to show effort to attract sexual attention, but only in ways that put the man in control. If she exercises agency—saying “yes” to this, but “no” to that—she is perceived as slutty for acting on her own desires, for being willing to ask for what she wants and to put in the effort to get it. An “effortlessly perfect” or chill girl does not do that.

Tanenbaum: You show how "niceness" can get women in sexual situations they don't feel good about and may not want. Can you break down how this happens—and what the implications are?

Peterson: One of the most important lessons I learned as an undergrad was this: It’s not rude to stand up to someone who is making you uncomfortable. When I was in college, I had an overwhelming desire to placate and keep everyone happy. This was the result of the fact that we tend to raise girls in a way that prioritizes following rules and not rocking the boat—sugar and spice and everything nice, and all that. And when girls grow into adulthood, they may not have learned how to be assertive in unpleasant and demeaning situations. 

In my book, I talk about my own experiences with being groped at a mixer (hands fully down my bra); having a guy I’d only met five minutes earlier taking me onto a dance floor and proceeding to try and finger me up my skirt; and saying “no” to a guy multiple times before being made to feel so uncomfortable, so ashamed that I was not meeting his sexual expectations, that I ended up going further than I wanted.

I made excuses like he was drunk or I was being too passive because I didn’t want to cause conflict; it’s really my fault. Obviously, neither of these justifications is valid. And by swallowing the blame and remaining silent, I surrendered my power to do or change anything. But all those times I was in those coercive situations—the reason I didn’t just leave, didn’t just walk away and get out of there—was because I honestly didn’t feel like that was something I was allowed to do. 



I now see I had been conditioned to feel like I owed something, like I was required to still act courteously, to people-please, and to avoid making any trouble despite the way I was being treated. I did not understand yet how these same habits and behaviors made me prone to things like abusive relationships, sexual assault, harassment, and other serious consequences if left unchecked. 

How much effort goes into appearing effortlessly perfect… and what is the price?

Tanenbaum: What can a woman do to interrupt this conditioning and take control or ownership over their sexual identity to demonstrate sexual agency?'

Peterson: Short answer is: Adapt an “intimate justice” mind frame. This term was coined by Sara McClelland of the University of Michigan to address the ways in which sex has personal and political implications that are connected to issues like inequality, power, violence, and mental and physical health. This framework asks questions like: Are both partners entitled to enjoy this experience? Is there a primary beneficiary? Are levels of expected satisfaction similar?

Based on my personal experiences, and the experience of the women I interviewed at more than 15 US colleges and universities, we are far from achieving intimate justice on our campuses. Women seem to care a lot more about whether or not their partner is pleased than if they, themselves, are pleased. As an unfortunate extension of this, women are four times more willing than men to engage in sexual activity they don’t like or want, such as oral and anal sex, to please or appease partners. And that’s where our people-pleasing tendencies and desire to be seen as “nice” can lead us into particularly dicey waters.

For instance, one of my interviewees admitted, “In a way, when you are at a party and a guy tries to hook up with you, you may not be totally into it, but you kinda feel like, ‘Well, maybe I should’ because the attitude at a frat party is like, if you aren’t here to do that, than what are you here for?” 

Many of us feel guilty for leaving a guy wanting. Guilty! My research showed themes of women feeling that:

• If they say no to sex, they need to “at least” perform oral as a consolation before leaving a hook-up;
• If they accept an invite to a date function or exclusive event, there is a socially enforced expectation they will get intimate with the guy extending the invite;
• If they dance in a risqué or flirtatious manner with a guy for an extended portion of the night, their body language is consenting to later sexual activity.

I think part of achieving intimate justice is getting angry about the levels of sexual entitlement demonstrated by these kinds of social accepted norms. I think agency will come from being furious that these notions are so prevalent that many of us fall prey to them to the extent that we feel guilt when we don’t fall in line with them. 

Tanenbaum: What can women do to protect themselves and their peers from the pressure to give in to sexual entitlement?

Peterson: In addition to adopting an “intimate justice” mind frame, it’s important to recognize red flags. One of my interviewees talked to me in depth about a former boyfriend who had demanded certain things from her sexually and how she had felt immense pressure to oblige. He’d also do things like ask to “just cuddle” and then inevitably start touching her sexually to get her to cave. She can see now that his unrelenting behavior was inappropriate, but in the moment, she wasn’t able to recognize this because it “didn’t feel like he was being outwardly vindictive.” She did not know at the time that many scenarios leading to sexual violation and assault can involve “guilt-inducing tactics” like persuading and pleading, often combined with complimenting and flattering. 

The language and behavior used to elicit a “yes” in these situations were intentionally manipulative and display sexual entitlement. We must learn to recognize these kinds of red flags and run. 



Finally, we need to talk to our peers about our experiences. Despite the fact that hook-up culture is touted as a major part of the college experience and is understood to be a major part of acquiring social status, many women don’t feel comfortable talking about what actually happens behind closed doors. And we absolutely need to because we often don’t realize what we are allowed to be outraged by until we say things out loud and see others’ reactions. This perspective helps individuals rid themselves of self-blame and better understand that what they are going through is bigger than just them, because there is actually a structural issue at hand. 

Key takeaway: Let’s celebrate effort rather than hiding it. “Effortless perfection” is not only impossible; it’s a hoax that entraps women and causes great harm, from assault to mental health issues to abusive relationships.