THE LEORA LETTER

“Slut,” “hoe,” and “thot” are slippery and subjective terms that can apply to any girl or woman, regardless of how they dress or behave. I shed light on slut-shaming—how and why assumptions about being “too” sexual are applied, the consequences for women, and the impact on everyone, regardless of gender.

When a Compliment Makes You Feel Unsafe

The words “You’re so pretty” can be a compliment—an expression of appreciation or praise. And sometimes, they are. But depending on the context, they alternately can be experienced as an act of harassment—an expression of power, intimidation, and violation—that presumes women are nothing more than sexual objects.

Deja Williams is a student at California State University, Long Beach. She is currently majoring in human development, with a minor in child development, with the hope of one day becoming a child therapist. Her biggest passion in life is knowledge, she tells me. “Knowledge is one of the most important aspects of life; there is always a learning moment to expand your understanding of the ever-changing world around us.”

I asked Deja to share her story of discovering that what may sound like a compliment can cloak its true nature: objectification and slut-shaming.

Leora Tanenbaum: How can a compliment be an act of sexual harassment?

Deja Williams: I fit the profile for the person typically harassed, meaning I am familiar with this type of harassment. I am a woman who is nineteen years old with an ethnic background in the Black and Latin communities. I have also always been really shy and anxious. When experiencing compliments from men in public, my impulse has always been to be polite and say, “Thank you.” I did not realize until recently that I have been placing myself in a position of being uncomfortable for the sake of not hurting a stranger's feelings.

For example, when I was younger—beginning even before I was in middle school—men who were twice my age, old enough to be my dad, would tell me I was beautiful. I would tell myself, “Even though this makes me uncomfortable, it’s just a compliment.” But I know now that it is not normal for grown men to compliment girls in this way.



The compliments never felt friendly. I experienced these “compliments” as if I were a grown woman they were trying to pursue. I did not feel safe around these men.

Deja Williams

Tanenbaum: How do you experience so-called compliments now?

Williams: I work in a store that is frequented by customers shopping for home essentials. I have noticed that male customers tend to “compliment” me when I am in isolated parts of the store. When I utter my rehearsed “thank you,” there have been many incidents where these male customers have proceeded to stand closer and ask personal questions, begin to make inappropriate jokes, or compliment me past the line of acceptable flattery. These are daily harassments I face going to work.

Tanenbaum: You have been describing in-person interactions. Is your experience any different when you’re online?

Williams: These experiences follow me online when I sign into my social media accounts. A comment or direct message of “You are pretty” can escalate to uncomfortable attention. I have experienced online aggression when I decide I do not want to continue a conversation, often leading to angry messages from men calling me a “slut” or “bitch” for not responding to their messages.

Tanenbaum: What do you say to people who protest that they are “just trying to give a compliment”?

Williams: They may claim they’re only trying to be nice, but their creepy actions say otherwise. A so-called compliment should not make the other person uncomfortable or feel unsafe.

Tanenbaum: What do you say to people who experience these acts of harassment?

Williams: Many women have experienced what I have. We should not feel obligated to be polite. We should not feel that we are the problem. We need to call out the people who harass us, because in fact they are the problem.

Tanenbaum: If someone wants to give a girl or woman a compliment, how should they do it?

Williams: First and foremost, I would recommend always respecting a person's space. It can be intimidating when a stranger stands very close. A simple and friendly compliment is always the best choice, but if the other person’s body language indicates they seem uncomfortable, then it is best to not try to continue that conversation. It is also important to realize that catcalling is never a compliment, as this can cause immediate feelings of being unsafe.

Key takeaway: Think before you speak—and if there is any chance that your words may cause discomfort, don’t say them.