THE LEORA LETTER

Slut-shaming matters because when people are dismissed as sluts, hoes, and thots, they are denied care and compassion as human beings and in a variety of situations, including when they are sexually harassed, sexually assaulted, and need an abortion.

I recently had the pleasure of guest-lecturing at the Contemporary Feminist Theories class taught by Jean Halley, PhD, in the sociology department of the CUNY Graduate Center. I spoke about the perniciousness of slut-shaming and dress-coding, and during my presentation I shared a video clip from the television show “And Just Like That…,” the reboot of “Sex and the City” that aired on HBO at the end of 2021.

In the scene, Charlotte looks at her 15-year-old daughter Lily’s phone and discovers that she has a private, secret Instagram account and has just posted the image below. To Lily, this is an innocent selfie showing her friends that she feels good about herself. But Charlotte is shocked and assumes that her daughter is intentionally trying to attract the attention of men.

A lively conversation about this scene followed. Edited excerpts are shared below, with permission.

Leora Tanenbaum: What do you think about Lily’s selfie?

Isabel (26, cishet, White): I posted bikini pictures on my Instagram, especially during Covid. It was just fun for me to do. It was a way for me express myself. But then, my aunt’s ex-husband's sister called my mom, after taking a screenshot of my Instagram, to ask her about why I was posting such sexual pictures. And my mom was, like, she's 24 years old! 

Leora: You were posting your photos as an adult in your twenties. What do you think about a 15-year-old girl posting sexy selfies?

Isabel: My selfies were more sexual than Lily’s—I was wearing bikinis. What she was wearing is so normal for teenagers. But the point is that there's something empowering about being able to take these pictures and feel, “I look good.” It doesn’t seem in this show that she is trying to get sexual attention or to get men to hit on her or anything like that. She was just posting it because she felt confident and attractive. And that’s okay, even at 15. It’s okay to be, like, “Wow, I look good in this outfit; I feel good about myself.” It doesn’t mean you’re looking for sex. Being 15 is a rough time in your life, especially as a girl, and you’re just trying to look human and look good. If you feel empowered posting a selfie like that, then go for it.

The conversation turned to the fact that some girls are called out for dressing in an androgynous or masculine manner and are told that they should wear more “feminine” clothes and makeup.

Beans (27, nonbinary, lesbian, Cuban): I have experienced both sides of this—I’ve been feminized and also masculinized, which gives me an interesting perspective. I’ve noticed that as I have become more masculine-presenting, I’m sexually harassed much less than I used to be, when I was in high school and was seen as feminine, as someone sexually desirable by dominant society. There is nothing you can do to avoid being discriminated against. It’s not just about sexual harassment—it’s also about getting called back for jobs. If you are a woman and look too masculine, they don’t want you in their workplace.

Either you're wearing too little and being sexualized and discriminated against for that, or you're not sexualizing yourself enough and people discriminate against you for your perceived gayness. It seems like this is the struggle that girls and young women have to deal with—there is no way to win this.

Key takeaway: Being a woman is an experience of entrapment. We are told to make ourselves sexually attractive--and punished when we follow instructions.